dirty day

I think I’m reaching a point where I have to realize that staying in retail isn’t going to happen. Or maybe I’m not giving it enough time. 

I knew I’d be in this full time job hunt for the long haul, but when I have someone who is helping us out financially breathing down my back, that’s just one more layer of stress. 

(The option to cash out my retirement is still there but this is the one point where my husband and my mother agree. They don’t want me to do it)

I don’t sleep at night for more than maybe hours at a time and then I tend to cat nap for the rest of the night. Pretty much all the weight I lost last year is back. Thank you stress eating and drinking. 

I know I’m not giving either of the part time jobs my 100% because I’ve been so fucking focused on finding a full time job. That’s not fair to them and it’s not my work ethic to behave that way. Which just makes me feel like a stupid loser all around. 

I’ve been working my way through What Color is My Parachute and while that’s been helpful, it’s basically pointing me towards the one career that I’ve been doing for the past 16 years. 

I’m having trouble trying to think out side the box on what else I can DO. 

Every suggestion that’s been giving to me and every idea that I come up with, I look into only to discover I don’t have the skills/background. Or so I think, or so at least its what it looks like from my resume. Which of course just enforces the I AM A STUPID LOSER mentality.

I finally made the decision to take off the one job that has my best skill set. Mainly because I left said job over ten years ago and the past handful of job apps that I’ve filled out have only been asking for jobs within the last seven or eight years. I have yet to figure out what to say in an interview if I get asked what else have I done and why isn’t that job on my resume.

(Not that I’m swimming in interviews. Ha. I’ve had two.)

I’ve also been playing phone tag and email tag with a couple of recruiters. Annoying at best. I know they are busy and I know they are probably dealing with hundreds, if not thousands of job applications at once, but when I’m taking the time to call or email back within a day and then they take a week or more to get back to me and I get back to them within a day and another week goes by before I hear back….rinse lather repeat. And in two cases a job has since been filled. 

(insert appropriate emoji thingy here along with a few choice words not fit for public ears)

I’m also getting burned out on not being able to afford to take any real time off. You know, like a vacation/staycation sort of thing. One gets very spoiled when one had three weeks paid time off and then all of a sudden it’s gone. 

While I know I’m very lucky and very thankful to the deities that at least I have something, I really need some time off. Yes, I’m still going home in September but right now that seems light years away.

To say I’m at my wit’s end is putting it mildly. I really don’t know what else I can do. 

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