the stuck in a moment thing

“I’m not afraid of anything in this world
There’s nothing you can throw at me
That I haven’t already heard
I’m just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company”

As always my boys have a song that pretty much sums up my life at any given time.

Today I’m feeling very worthless and very ‘I can’t do jack fucking shit’, and very much Pity Party Table for One, please.

“I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of
Don’t say that later will be better
Now you’re stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it”

I haven’t done anything in regards to returning to school because I’m starting to question the reasons why. As in why the fuck do I bother? Will it really help? Will I find a job? And is my heart really ready to try to change gears that much.

No. It’s not.

“I  will not forsake the colours that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I still listen through your ears
And through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it’s tough and you can never get enough
Of what you don’t really need now, my oh my”

I have realized that I’m still not over the fact that given all my sales experience and how much I enjoy working with the public and quite frankly, the kill of the sale, that I’m done for. I cannot to fucking save my fucking life, find a fucking job that will utilize and fuck, even exploit my background. I feel that I can no longer compete with the talent that’s out there.

“You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You’ve got yourself stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn’t jumping, for me it was a fall
It’s a long way down to nothing at all”

And I really haven’t come to accept that I cannot buy a home bashed franchise and fucking run with it. I could have made that work. OHMYFUCKINGGOD I could have made that WORK.

“You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it
Don’t say that later will be better
Now you’re stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won’t last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if the night runs over
And if the day won’t last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
It’s just a moment, this time will pass”

Until I can deal with this, and until I can get the fuck OVER it, my head and my heart isn’t into the returning to school shit. Until then I’m stuck slinging coffee.

At least that’s how I see it. And I don’t know how long I can do this.

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